“It is not sex that gives you bliss. It is not sex that gives you the ecstasy. Rather it is a thoughtless state of the mind and a total involvement in the act that gives you a blissful feeling.”-OSHO
Good Sex is Play
I’ve had great sex, silky moments I wished would glide on forever, meaningful, mindful, mezmerizing and reverent. I’ve had partners that left me intoxicated with passion and rendered every limb quivering and useless. I’ve had escapades that inspired and allowed myself to love and be loved. Ive been teacher and student, master and servant. I’ve had what I would call great sex. And none of it was serious.
Great sex, joyful sex should be fun. Otherwise, why do it? The moment the mind believes the act to be hard work, interest and passion fades. That’s why so many great joys are referred to as play. Sports. Games. Music. A musician doesn’t work the piano, she plays. But many forget when it comes to sex. Even among most healthy people, sex is viewed as struggle, a limited resource, a thing to be won or lost along some great mortal adventure beginning with desire and finishing only with orgasm. Sex is viewed as a journey with a desired beginning middle and end.
Using this model of music and travel, sex can have two very different approaches. With travel you are trying to get somewhere. Being a compulsive society, we are obsessed with getting some place faster and faster until we eliminate the time and distance completely. This results in the two ends of a journey becoming the same. We eliminate the distance and therefore eliminate the journey. But the fun of the trip is the journey. With music, the end of the composition is not the point of the composition. If that were true the best songs would end as soon as they begin until each song became one crashing chord. Musicians would create only finales. The seduction, arousal, climax and afterglow of the song would cease to exist. The same is true of dancing. The point of the dance is not to arrive at a partcular spot in the room. The point of the dance is the dance, the exploration, the perfect synthesis of talent, refinement, preparation and energy coming together as a release of effortless and playful expression.
However great sex is not entirely about the end result. It doesn’t always take a predetermined course. It is not about a Big Bang finish or a sense of accomplishment with orgasmic explosions and orgiastic excitement. There is not always a journey with a beginning, middle and end. It should never be some great effort with a prescribed path. Great sex is created in moments. They can be strung out in punctuated crescendo over hours or days. Great sex can be found in a shared laugh over a private joke. It is in the tension of longing gazes or the release of a secret kiss. There is no how or why to understand. There is no universal method. Great sex just is. And it should be fun.
What Makes Sex Fun?
1) Passion– it doesn’t matter how physically attractive you find your partner, if they don’t evoke your passion, you won’t get the those special warm fuzzies.
2) Intimacy– In my experience, great sex is a celebration of intimacy. Without intimacy based on trust and rapport, your range of play is limited. Keep in mind this should never be confused with the act of sex which is only enhanced through the cultivation of intimacy and not the source of it.
3)Empathy– Gentlemen, listen close. If you want to build intimacy, if you want sex to be fun, I mean really out of your mind fun, give a genuine shit about the person you are with. There is a time, place and protocol for casual sex. But if you can’t find a reason to care about the person you are sleeping with, at least on a human level, then you are not only wasting her time, you are debasing yourself as an actualized human being. It is nearly impossible to play and have fun with someone you don’t care about about.
4) Mindfullness- When it comes to sex, the time to think about tomorrow is tomorrow. Your place for sex is a sacred space. It doesn’t matter if it is the bedroom or behind the boat house in Central Park. No other place on earth should matter. No other person matters. No other thought or objective matters. The only thing that matters is here and now with your partner.
5) Creativity- Keep it interesting.
6) Sense of Humor- When I’m having fun, I laugh…a lot. But so many take sex to be serious. We are naked and vulnerable and this state makes many feel weighted with the burden to be perfect and unassailable in our performance. You are going to make mistakes. You are going to look ridiculous. You may even lose control and rip the biggest fart since Josh Neighbors brought bean soup to lunch in second grade. If you set a mood of comfort with your lady then she will be more comfortable and more likely to play and enjoy herself. And if she is happy, I promise you will be happy.
7) Hint of the Unknown- To be good, nay, great at anything, you must explore. There is no such thing as staying the same. When your lady expects you to kiss her neck, give her a nibble on the ear. If you are a missionary man, pick up the Kama sutra and try lotus or pick nick table or the ever exciting flaming monkey dance. Growth and a sense of forward motion are essential to human happiness. Happiness in the bedroom is no different. Do your work. As a man, it is your job to keep your partner engaged and reasonably satisfied. Variety and spontaneity are essential for this.
End Part One
“A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do. He may as well concern himself with his shadow on the wall. Speak what you think now in hard words, and to-morrow speak what to-morrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said to-day.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson