Sex and the Importance of Play (Part One) 

“It is not sex that gives you bliss. It is not sex that gives you the ecstasy. Rather it is a thoughtless state of the mind and a total involvement in the act that gives you a blissful feeling.”-OSHO


Good Sex is Play

I’ve had great sex, silky moments I wished would glide on forever, meaningful,  mindful, mezmerizing and reverent. I’ve had partners that left me intoxicated with passion and rendered every limb quivering and useless. I’ve had escapades that inspired and allowed myself to love and be loved. Ive been teacher and student, master and servant. I’ve had what I would call great sex. And none of it was serious.

Great sex, joyful sex should be fun. Otherwise, why do it? The moment the mind believes the act to be hard work, interest and passion fades. That’s why so many great joys are referred to as play. Sports. Games. Music. A musician doesn’t  work the piano, she plays. But many forget when it comes to sex. Even among most healthy people, sex is viewed as struggle, a limited resource, a thing to be won or lost along some great mortal adventure beginning with desire and finishing only with orgasm. Sex is viewed as a journey with a desired beginning middle and end.

Using this model of music and travel, sex can have two very different approaches. With travel you are trying to get somewhere. Being a compulsive society, we are obsessed with getting some place faster and faster until we eliminate the time and distance completely. This results in the two ends of a journey becoming the same. We eliminate the distance and therefore eliminate the journey. But the fun of the trip is the journey. With music, the end of the composition is not the point of the composition. If that were true the best songs would end as soon as they begin until each song became one crashing chord. Musicians would create only finales. The seduction, arousal, climax and afterglow of the song would cease to exist. The same is true of dancing. The point of the dance is not to arrive at a partcular spot in the room. The point of the dance is the dance, the exploration, the perfect synthesis of talent, refinement, preparation and energy coming together as a release of effortless and playful expression.

However great sex is not entirely about the end result. It doesn’t always take a predetermined course. It is not about a Big Bang finish or a sense of accomplishment with orgasmic explosions and orgiastic excitement.  There is not always a journey with a beginning, middle and end. It should never be some great effort with a prescribed path. Great sex is created in moments. They can be strung out in punctuated crescendo over hours or days. Great sex can be found in a shared laugh over a private joke. It is in the tension of longing gazes or the release of a secret kiss. There is no how or why to understand. There is no universal method. Great sex just is. And it should be fun.

What Makes Sex Fun?

1) Passion– it doesn’t matter how physically attractive  you find your partner, if they don’t evoke your passion, you won’t get the those special warm fuzzies.

2) Intimacy– In my experience, great sex is a celebration of intimacy. Without intimacy based on trust and rapport, your range of play is limited. Keep in mind this should never be confused with the act of sex which is only enhanced through the cultivation of intimacy and not the source of it.

3)Empathy– Gentlemen, listen close. If you want to build intimacy, if you want sex to be fun, I mean really out of your mind fun, give a genuine shit about the person you are with. There is a time, place and protocol for casual sex. But if you can’t find a reason to care about the person you are sleeping with, at least on a human level, then you are not only wasting her time, you are debasing yourself as an actualized human being. It is nearly impossible to play and have fun with someone you don’t care about about.

4) Mindfullness- When it comes to sex, the time to think about tomorrow is tomorrow. Your place for sex is a sacred space. It doesn’t matter if it is the bedroom or behind the boat house in Central Park. No other place on earth should matter. No other person matters. No other thought or objective matters. The only thing that matters is here and now with your partner.

5) Creativity- Keep it interesting.

6) Sense of Humor- When I’m having fun, I laugh…a lot. But so many take sex to be serious. We are naked and vulnerable and this state makes many feel weighted with the burden to be perfect and unassailable in our performance. You are going to make mistakes. You are going to look ridiculous. You may even lose control and rip the biggest fart since Josh Neighbors brought bean soup to lunch in second grade. If you set a mood of comfort with your lady then she will be more comfortable and more likely to play and enjoy herself. And if she is happy, I promise you will be happy.

7) Hint of the Unknown- To be good, nay, great at anything, you must explore. There is no such thing as staying the same. When your lady expects you to kiss her neck, give her a nibble on the ear. If you are a missionary man, pick up the Kama sutra and try lotus or pick nick table or the ever exciting flaming monkey dance. Growth and a sense of forward motion are essential to human happiness. Happiness in the bedroom is no different. Do your work. As a man, it is your job to keep your partner engaged and reasonably satisfied. Variety and spontaneity are essential for this.

End Part One

-David Bricquet

“A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do. He may as well concern himself with his shadow on the wall. Speak what you think now in hard words, and to-morrow speak what to-morrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said to-day.”  — Ralph Waldo Emerson

Advertisements

A GENTLEMAN’S GUIDE TO CUNNILINGUS AND ORAL PLEASURE

Cunnilingus is a beautiful thing. Whether you are 18 or 80, The attention and skill required to perform proper cunnilingus- an act Marvin Gaye referred to as giving the ultimate love- will leave you and your lady closer and her far happier.

 

~Part One: Preparation~

 

Focus your intention:

Strong moods are infectious. This is why dominant personalities change the tone of a room or take charge by presence and confidence. The same is true in the bedroom. If you enjoy giving oral pleasure, then bravo! Setting the tone won’t be an issue. But if you have reservations or feel uncomfortable going downtown, she will not be comfortable and little else ruins the mood faster. Few things are more gratifying or attractive for her than feeling attractive to you. Women are perceptive. If you fidget, ask if she is coming, get impatient or groan from boredom this transfers to your lady and she will feel rushed and burdensome and will not enjoy herself. From there, it won’t matter how many gymnastics you can perform with your tongue, she’s not going to climax. Remember, be patient and understand women take a little longer than men…sometimes much longer.

Now stop thinking so much:

Clever lovers make stupid decisions. Be creative but not for the glory of being creative. That’s where 90% of embarrassing stories start. Instead, pay attention and improvise when determining how to proceed. If her breath becomes deeper or more erratic you are probably doing something right and should keep doing it. But don’t rely on tricks or gimmicks.

Growing up in Texas, my father took me to the rodeo. Among the livestock exhibitions was a tic tac toe playing rooster who pecked out in a conditioned formula what he needed to win and garner a treat. Since he went first and set the pace of the game, at best I could hope for a tie-if I played perfectly. in short order this grew tiresome. But when I tried something completely out of his training, no matter how irrational, the rooster often lost. He had no means to improvise for anything out of the ordinary.

The bedroom is no different. Don’t have a preconceived game plan or rely on tricks and signature moves to get her off. This might work at first or even some of the time. But every woman is different from day to day. Eventually she may get bored and want something new. And while a light touch may turn one woman into a quivering mess, another might want to grind like a love savage against your face. However it is not your place to judge. Harsh judgments are more often your own insecurities. It is far better to adapt, move forward and enjoy.

~Part Two: Substance and Technique~

grapefruit-vagina

 

Your Tools:

Tongue:

In grade school you learned not to point and the same is true of the tongue. The clitoris has over 8500 nerve endings and a hard pointed tongue can piss off every one of them. Keep your tongue flat, moist and loose (think of an oil brush). Save the pointed end for exploring uncharted regions along the labia majora, mons pubis, thighs, or if you are gifted enough, the vagina itself. Start soft and gentle. If she wants you more aggressive, she’ll let you know.

Lips:

A gentle kiss or suck against her labia or clitoris is a great way to get things started or break monotony. Some ladies also find a light humming or soft vibration above her clitoris to be world changing.

Hands:

Don’t forget you have them. Good oral pleasure is more than mouth and tongue. Once she is wet you can gently insert a finger or two. Now inside you can gauge her reaction if she wants you to massage or stroke her g-spot. Many women however are perfectly content with just having a part of you inside her without movement. Also keep in mind the Clitoris is sheathed behind a hood. Each woman’s hood will vary in thickness and the amount of her clitoris it covers. A thicker hood may require pulling back to achieve more stimulation. Some women might find this direct contact too intense or uncomfortable. Pay attention to her breathing and how she reacts in contrast to what you did before. If however, she enjoys this, be sure to touch her gently at first with the flat of your tongue and massage in a slow rhythmic motion. According to reflexologists, the clitoris  is connected to the aureoles and the soles of the feet, especially the big toe. If you are flexible and can multitask, massaging these areas while stimulating her clitoris can be magical.

Imagination:

Your greatest tool-use it!

Technique: 

Explore:

The clitoris is the center of the storm, but take your time and enjoy the breeze. Use hands, tongue, chin, her favorite vibrator, whatever seems to be working in the moment. Explore and massage a path to your final destination. Unless your lady has an internal system that allows willful and spontaneous orgasm, take your time and work slow to the clitoris. Kiss, nuzzle, tease and torture her with anticipation. She will love you for it. You might give a foot rub, or kiss a path from her neck to her waist. The point is to try new things and be mindful of how she responds.  When she is relaxed and ready and bristling with excitement that’s when you head in. Women like a man with self mastery. Taking her at an easy savoring pace denotes confidence and poise and she will more likely respect your abilities. Plus, it’s just damn sexy. The downside to this is waiting too long. With practice and close attention you will get the balance right.

Rhythm:

This is why so many good dancers are also great lovers. In any kind of sexual congress a consistent rhythm is essential. If you want her to climax you must find that rhythm and keep it. You can try different variations at first to discover what she enjoys or just have a little fun. But once you find the right rhythm and motion and amount of pressure she responds to, do not change it. Each change, starts her climb up the mountain all over. She will get bored and irritated leaving you both frustrated. If necessary, play music with consistent beat. One of my favorites  is Caesaria Evora. Latin Rhythms + Soulful voice = Making Babies.

Pressure:

As a general rule it is better to be too gentle than too rough. Start of with a light glaze of the tongue and over time add more pressure. Pay attention to her response and you will find the right setting.  Most women want a light touch. Some ladies want a tongue wedged firmly against their clitoris. Others like you to surprise them. Experiment. Trust your instincts and don’t be afraid to take a chance.

Additional Points to Consider:

~Make sure she is warm. if necessary, cover her up, turn off the A/C, and for the love of all things holy don’t get clever and rub ice directly on her unprotected vagina.

~If you have time to prepare, drink plenty of water and load up on potassium hours before to avoid cramps and dry mouth. Better yet, encourage her to drink water to help with lubrication. This is another reason why sex and alcohol are not complimentary. Alcohol dehydrates the body and minimizes vaginal lubrication and saliva production making oral sex as well as vaginal penetration more difficult.

~Keep your nails trimmed and hands clean. If you wouldn’t put it in your mouth, don’t put it near her vagina.

~Never attempt cunnilingus after eating or handling spicy peppers. I have a habanero chili story that would make anyone cover their privates.

~Go bearded or clean shaven, not in between. Spiky stubble against her holiest of holy can be excruciating.

~Don’t pressure her if she’s not interested. She may be queasy from eating one too many burritos or not feel clean because she hasn’t had time to shower. This has nothing to do with you. If she declines, simply remind her that you are willing to try again when you are both ready.

~Suggesting a shower together is  great way to make you both comfortable.

“Do not seek the because – in love there is no because, no reason, no explanation, no solutions.”-Anais Nin

Good Sex

 

David Bricquet Photography

Good sex doesn’t rely on different positions, or acrobatics or feats of strength and endurance. It relies on the internal, the mental and emotional communion shared in both intimate and mundane moments. Good sex can be found with a friend, a long time lover or partner or even a vulnerable night of new passion. But good sex must be a dance, an equal give and take of trust and energy and delirium that starts well before the first embrace and glides on well after climax,  imparting traces of that dance well past those silky moments of passion into the afterglow, into your morning, into your work and friendships and every love thereafter. Good sex doesn’t ends or begin. Good Sex transforms you, fades and yet lives on.

-David Bricquet