Praise the Woman. Challenge the Friend.

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As boys, we challenge each other in order to grow and discover our edge. “Let’s see who can hold their breath the longest underwater.” or “I bet I can eat more chimichangas than you without getting sick.” With sports, competition and rivalry challenge us to become better for the team, filter out weaker competitors and promote fraternity. Boys learn quickly to challenge. Over time, challenge becomes part of an unspoken male language. Within moments, most men know their standing in a group and whether another man is a threat or potential friend. While this language of provocation is often effective for inspiring certain aspects of the masculine, it does not nurture what we find most appealing in women.

Praise Her

Positive relationships have a harmonious synthesis between masculine and feminine energies. This is true regardless of orientation  or sexual identity. By challenging your woman, only her masculine side will grow. Her feminine grows through nurturing and praise.  When she is feeling down about her weight don’t talk to her like you would a male friend. Telling her to get off her ass and run is a first class way to lose respect and trust. Instead use positive reinforcement. Tell her how attractive she looks when she sweats or give subtle gifts or make tasty treats that allow her to associate working out with pleasure instead of discomfort. If you like working out with a partner, invite her to work out together.

Uplifting the feminine requires  nurturing and kindness. “You have a beautiful smile” is much more warm and effective than “You’d be pretty…if you would only smile.”  These if/then phrases are common among men and most women hate them and see them for what they are. The first statement indicates that you find her and her smile attractive regardless if she feels up or down. It is uplifting, accepting and encourages her to smile. The second statement is a challenge to smile. It tells her that she is only pretty IF she smiles and your approval is highly conditional. It also implies that it is her job to keep you happy through compliant behavior. Phrases like this are common with men between each other. Our language is a little different. But the average woman will take this seemingly benign provocation as a threat and rightfully establish you as a source of emotional anxiety.

Praise What you Wish to Change

Whatever aspect of her life you wish to increase that is what you should praise. For most men, this is a difficult practice. It goes against our early training. But you must praise the qualities you find less than praiseworthy above all, if you want them to change for the better. If you find yourself thinking critical of your partner, be genuine and find something you do like, no matter how small and praise her daily without need for reciprocation. Once a month is not good enough. No matter how actualized, a person needs consistent reinforcement. Another tactic to avoid is bombarding her with information. Telling her to not drink so much because it causes premature aging will only cause her to dig in and possibly resent you unless it is coupled with love and encouragement. Treat your relationship like a living organism.  Just as food, water, sunshine and exercise are essential to the body, praise and encouragement are essential for the feminine.

Consider however to always encourage her for her needs and not your own insecurities. If she is healthy and happy working long hours away from home or feels content living in a cluttered, messy house and you do not, then you should evaluate your own needs and desires. Your opinion of your partner will affect your relationship if you tolerate behavior you do not find becoming.  In other words, be honest with what you can tolerate and be true to your own needs as well.

Just as too much challenge breeds low self esteem, insecurity and resentment toward the challenger, too much nurturing, especially unfounded and without merit creates complacency, laziness and stifles self reliance. Over time, the more you pay attention to her moods and explore her needs you will get the balance right.

-D. Bricquet

A GENTLEMAN’S GUIDE TO CUNNILINGUS AND ORAL PLEASURE

Cunnilingus is a beautiful thing. Whether you are 18 or 80, The attention and skill required to perform proper cunnilingus- an act Marvin Gaye referred to as giving the ultimate love- will leave you and your lady closer and her far happier.

 

~Part One: Preparation~

 

Focus your intention:

Strong moods are infectious. This is why dominant personalities change the tone of a room or take charge by presence and confidence. The same is true in the bedroom. If you enjoy giving oral pleasure, then bravo! Setting the tone won’t be an issue. But if you have reservations or feel uncomfortable going downtown, she will not be comfortable and little else ruins the mood faster. Few things are more gratifying or attractive for her than feeling attractive to you. Women are perceptive. If you fidget, ask if she is coming, get impatient or groan from boredom this transfers to your lady and she will feel rushed and burdensome and will not enjoy herself. From there, it won’t matter how many gymnastics you can perform with your tongue, she’s not going to climax. Remember, be patient and understand women take a little longer than men…sometimes much longer.

Now stop thinking so much:

Clever lovers make stupid decisions. Be creative but not for the glory of being creative. That’s where 90% of embarrassing stories start. Instead, pay attention and improvise when determining how to proceed. If her breath becomes deeper or more erratic you are probably doing something right and should keep doing it. But don’t rely on tricks or gimmicks.

Growing up in Texas, my father took me to the rodeo. Among the livestock exhibitions was a tic tac toe playing rooster who pecked out in a conditioned formula what he needed to win and garner a treat. Since he went first and set the pace of the game, at best I could hope for a tie-if I played perfectly. in short order this grew tiresome. But when I tried something completely out of his training, no matter how irrational, the rooster often lost. He had no means to improvise for anything out of the ordinary.

The bedroom is no different. Don’t have a preconceived game plan or rely on tricks and signature moves to get her off. This might work at first or even some of the time. But every woman is different from day to day. Eventually she may get bored and want something new. And while a light touch may turn one woman into a quivering mess, another might want to grind like a love savage against your face. However it is not your place to judge. Harsh judgments are more often your own insecurities. It is far better to adapt, move forward and enjoy.

~Part Two: Substance and Technique~

grapefruit-vagina

 

Your Tools:

Tongue:

In grade school you learned not to point and the same is true of the tongue. The clitoris has over 8500 nerve endings and a hard pointed tongue can piss off every one of them. Keep your tongue flat, moist and loose (think of an oil brush). Save the pointed end for exploring uncharted regions along the labia majora, mons pubis, thighs, or if you are gifted enough, the vagina itself. Start soft and gentle. If she wants you more aggressive, she’ll let you know.

Lips:

A gentle kiss or suck against her labia or clitoris is a great way to get things started or break monotony. Some ladies also find a light humming or soft vibration above her clitoris to be world changing.

Hands:

Don’t forget you have them. Good oral pleasure is more than mouth and tongue. Once she is wet you can gently insert a finger or two. Now inside you can gauge her reaction if she wants you to massage or stroke her g-spot. Many women however are perfectly content with just having a part of you inside her without movement. Also keep in mind the Clitoris is sheathed behind a hood. Each woman’s hood will vary in thickness and the amount of her clitoris it covers. A thicker hood may require pulling back to achieve more stimulation. Some women might find this direct contact too intense or uncomfortable. Pay attention to her breathing and how she reacts in contrast to what you did before. If however, she enjoys this, be sure to touch her gently at first with the flat of your tongue and massage in a slow rhythmic motion. According to reflexologists, the clitoris  is connected to the aureoles and the soles of the feet, especially the big toe. If you are flexible and can multitask, massaging these areas while stimulating her clitoris can be magical.

Imagination:

Your greatest tool-use it!

Technique: 

Explore:

The clitoris is the center of the storm, but take your time and enjoy the breeze. Use hands, tongue, chin, her favorite vibrator, whatever seems to be working in the moment. Explore and massage a path to your final destination. Unless your lady has an internal system that allows willful and spontaneous orgasm, take your time and work slow to the clitoris. Kiss, nuzzle, tease and torture her with anticipation. She will love you for it. You might give a foot rub, or kiss a path from her neck to her waist. The point is to try new things and be mindful of how she responds.  When she is relaxed and ready and bristling with excitement that’s when you head in. Women like a man with self mastery. Taking her at an easy savoring pace denotes confidence and poise and she will more likely respect your abilities. Plus, it’s just damn sexy. The downside to this is waiting too long. With practice and close attention you will get the balance right.

Rhythm:

This is why so many good dancers are also great lovers. In any kind of sexual congress a consistent rhythm is essential. If you want her to climax you must find that rhythm and keep it. You can try different variations at first to discover what she enjoys or just have a little fun. But once you find the right rhythm and motion and amount of pressure she responds to, do not change it. Each change, starts her climb up the mountain all over. She will get bored and irritated leaving you both frustrated. If necessary, play music with consistent beat. One of my favorites  is Caesaria Evora. Latin Rhythms + Soulful voice = Making Babies.

Pressure:

As a general rule it is better to be too gentle than too rough. Start of with a light glaze of the tongue and over time add more pressure. Pay attention to her response and you will find the right setting.  Most women want a light touch. Some ladies want a tongue wedged firmly against their clitoris. Others like you to surprise them. Experiment. Trust your instincts and don’t be afraid to take a chance.

Additional Points to Consider:

~Make sure she is warm. if necessary, cover her up, turn off the A/C, and for the love of all things holy don’t get clever and rub ice directly on her unprotected vagina.

~If you have time to prepare, drink plenty of water and load up on potassium hours before to avoid cramps and dry mouth. Better yet, encourage her to drink water to help with lubrication. This is another reason why sex and alcohol are not complimentary. Alcohol dehydrates the body and minimizes vaginal lubrication and saliva production making oral sex as well as vaginal penetration more difficult.

~Keep your nails trimmed and hands clean. If you wouldn’t put it in your mouth, don’t put it near her vagina.

~Never attempt cunnilingus after eating or handling spicy peppers. I have a habanero chili story that would make anyone cover their privates.

~Go bearded or clean shaven, not in between. Spiky stubble against her holiest of holy can be excruciating.

~Don’t pressure her if she’s not interested. She may be queasy from eating one too many burritos or not feel clean because she hasn’t had time to shower. This has nothing to do with you. If she declines, simply remind her that you are willing to try again when you are both ready.

~Suggesting a shower together is  great way to make you both comfortable.

“Do not seek the because – in love there is no because, no reason, no explanation, no solutions.”-Anais Nin